I went out to Oilcan Harry's on Thursday night with Skitzfiggitous, and she asked me what I've been doing during my vacation. I told her I spent one day reading a book about ... management. Her reaction was the same as mine -- surprise.
I told her about a prediction Kramer made last year. He told me to look into taking a management class, or to read a book about management. He sees management in my future. I made noises to Skitzfiggitous about how I don't consider myself management material, and she said, "Yes you are."
Oh crap.
Maybe I'm revising history or something, but the last time I tried my hand at management, I sucked at it. First, I was the features editor at Ka Leo O Hawai`i, then managing editor. It didn't take me long to develop the reputation of bad cop, and I struggled with filling my section with copy because, well, I scared the hell out of my writers. I felt a lot of frustration because I wanted to do some ambitious things without having to provide instruction first. Hell, I thought that was what classes were for. I wanted writers who were ready to do the job. They weren't. Not till after I was done with them.
(The conventional wisdom, of course, was that the paper was the real learning experience, and classes were something you did to get the degree.)
After college, some supervisory positions opened up at Austin 360, and I was passed over for them every time. It turned out for the best, really, because I probably would have gone through the same kind of power trip I did at the student newspaper. Those votes of no confidence, however, spurred me to think more laterally, and I learned web development. Goodbye, editorial! Fuck the corporate ladder!
So back to last night with Skitzfiggitous telling me I was manager material.
I told her to explain to me just what I was doing to give off that impression. I know what kind of manager I am -- one who rules with an iron fist and is just as willing to rain shit on people as shit was rained upon me. She had a laundry list.
First, I'm opinionated about things about which I know, which, to her frustration, is a lot. That kind of expertise gives off a manager vibe, I guess. She also said I have a better understanding of big picture stuff than some managers she's encountered. I'm also not the kind of person who takes shit from anyone, but I'm not inaccessible either. I understand the former; the latter, I still don't get.
Skitzfiggitous said she pictures me in a managerial role but not at our workplace. I don't picture that either.
I've designed my career in such a way to avoid management altogether. I consider myself a tool, something you use to make a job easier. You want what to do what? Sure, I can script something to do exactly that. Just ... leave me alone.
Before the new year, I was one of two people in charge of a committee to update a specific web tool. I've mentioned it before. Something tells me that's my leadership style.
Deity save us now.
(No, this entry is not about David Carradine.)
Along with being driven, I'm also impatient.
When I first started exercising, I felt anxious to get to where I wanted to be. In August 2007, I was 215 pounds, and I wanted to be 160 right then and there. But I knew at a rate of one pound a week, it would take about a year to get within striking distance of that goal. I didn't want to wait, but I had to. My anxiety subsided by the end of September, when I registered a 10-pound loss. By October, my pants were falling off my waist.
When I started recording vocals for my demos, I hated how terribly everything came out. The recordings clipped, I was out of tune, and the sound was dull and dead. I knew it would take years -- especially when I could only do any real work during vacations -- before I could turn out vocals I didn't hate. Along the way, I learned the ins and outs of my pitch-correction plug-in, and I invested in a number of effects processors that got me the sound I want. Now, I don't mind hearing my own voice so much. (I still think I suck as a singer, though.)
When I felt the urge to leave my very first job, I knew I couldn't do it without some serious retraining. I had wanted to quit in 1999, but I held myself back from doing anything rash. I took classes in scripting in late 1999 and delved into coding my first web sites in 2000. It paid off when I finally was hired first as a web engineer -- someone who could stick static content within dynamic scripts -- then eventually as a web software developer. I've now been a web developer longer than I have been a content producer.
I'm starting to feel resentment toward the trip I'm taking to Japan in November. I've been setting aside money for this trip, and now that I have this definite goal of relocating, I would rather divert those savings to that goal. The trip now feels like something that I need to get out of the way instead of something to which I can look forward.
But that's just impatience. I have no intention of moving till I have a job lined up, and I don't anticipate the job market improving till the latter half of 2010, if then. I also don't have enough savings to pay for first and last month rent and a deposit. This relocation is a long-term goal, even though I would very much like to avoid the next Texas summer. Objectively speaking, I could get better results by waiting till after the trip, by which time perhaps the predicted economic recovery may be on its way.
I have this paranoid notion that things change in the time that I'm pursing these goals, and the only instance where such a long wait backfired was with learning web development -- by the time I got good, the bottom fell out of the tech industry.
So I really need to calm down. I can still do some things to get me toward my goal, but I have to stop myself from shooting myself in the foot.
Still, I don't like waiting. Never have.
I don't think I realized till recently just how much of a determined person I am. I've tried doing the go-with-the-flow method of charting my life, and I can't say it's done me any favors. The best results seem to happen when I've made a decision about something, and I get single-minded about making it happen.
I'm not the personality type that attracts opportunity. I'm very private and very closed. Gay Friend-Drinking Buddy is the kind of person who's so self-effacing, good things just happen to him. I'm not that type of person. If I want something, I have to work for it. It doesn't help that I also tend to be lazy.
But when I stop being lazy, watch the hell out.
In 2007, I finally got sick of being overweight, and when I discovered my scale was lying to me, I adopted a diet and an exercise regimen that allowed me to shed 45 pounds. I've stuck with this regimen mostly because I don't want to end up in the same kind of ill health as my dad when I get to be his age. I also had this odd goal of being my sexiest by the time I turn 40, which is three years away. But I worked for it when I made the decision to do so.
In 2005, I decided I didn't want to wait till I'm financially solvent to continue building my studio. So I blew a lot of money I didn't have getting software and gear. It's taken four years, but I've learned and practiced how to record my own material. I even went so far as to build a bare minimum label and publishing company. Maybe there was a little bit of go-with-the-flow in getting this studio off the ground, but when the momentum happened, I took it far.
In 1999, I decided I didn't want to climb the content management ladder. I didn't want to be the online equivalent of an editor, and it was aided quite a lot by being passed over for numerous positions. Fuck it, I thought to myself, content production is a dead end, and I like programming. I like making things streamlined. So I took a year to take some continuing education classes to learn web development. By 2000, I was working as a web developer, and I've been one longer than I was ever a journalist.
Going with the flow doesn't work for me. If things are going to happen in my life, I have to make them happen. It can be a hassle to have this sort of "me vs. the world" mindset, but history seems to indicate that it actually works for me.
That's what I have to keep in mind as I go through the process of relocating. For too long, I was hoping some company somewhere would find me and think, "We need to bring this guy to [San Francisco | New York City | Seattle | Portland | Chicago]". I was hoping to go with the flow that brought me to Austin. Lot of good that did. (Yes, that's another entry: ways in which Austin has been detrimental to me.)
If older me could back in time to have a conversation with younger me, I would tell him, "You've got a lot of will power. You don't have to settle for Austin as your escape route out of Honolulu. The fact you've always been determined to leave has never been in question. That you have the strength to choose and make it happen is something you should know now."
But that isn't the case.
I also have very good instincts. My instincts tell me this relocation is going to happen. It's the same instinct that told me web development would be a very good career fit. It's the same instinct that told me would at some point work at record store.
I think I should be a lot more permissive with my instincts and match them up with that determination.
