Tonight was the first night I could go to the school track to do some cardio. The weather people say this week will hit the '80s in Austin, which means evenings cool enough to wear shorts outside. Someone was already using the stationary bicycle -- my recent machine of choice -- in the apartment gym, so I opted to brave the allergens in the air and exercise outside.
Before winter started, I would do a few cardio sessions outdoors, and at that point, I couldn't do a full lap without running out of breath. I could get 3/4 of the way there, then revert to a walk. Over the winter, I used the treadmill instead and stepped up the pace from 5 mph to 5.5 mph. I also started doing more with the bicycle.
Well, tonight I discovered I can now do a full lap at the track with relative ease. I don't feel like I'm about to lose momentum when I reach the end of the lap. In other words, I'm getting better.
It's been a year and a half since I started exercising regularly, and I'm not sure if I can really channel the changes my body has gone through.
I don't have cans by any means, but when I flex my arms, I can feel some real definition there. The skin on my legs feel taut, and although I still have a paunch and love handles, I don't look like I'm in my first trimester. If I take off my glasses and look in the mirror, I can fool myself into thinking I have abs.
I have never been this healthy in my entire life. And I haven't been this healthy for such a long time.
Some part of me misses the days when I wouldn't need to workout all that hard, but my body would freak out and shed pounds like crazy. Now I'm pretty much stuck at 170 lbs., and I don't want that number to go any higher ever again. I can't help but feel a little proud that my body can totally handle the kind of workout that would have killed me (perhaps literally) a year and a half ago.
So now what?
I've gotten this far ... do I want to be a total gay stereotype and go for more muskels? Do I cut more calories to get to that elusive body fat percentage below 18 percent? (I'm currently 22 percent, which is "acceptable".) Do I go for those benefit racing competitions? (Oh, hellz no.)
I don't know, and right now, I'm not sure I care.
I do notice my scheduled discipline has shown some signs of slacking, recently. And my ascetic diet choices have made room for bigger portions and higher calories. Maybe it's OK that I let myself live a little. I don't have the body of my dreams, but I don't have a body that needs to be obfuscated either.
One of the most confounding things about Project Runway mentor Tim Gunn is the fact he hasn't had a boyfriend in 20 years. Even in his 50s, Gunn cuts a striking figure, impossibly well-adjusted and attractive, if not physically certainly in personality. He's the kind of guy who would have been taken long, long ago, but no -- Gunn acknowledged his own thin skin where matters of the heart were concerned and exercised restraint.
That just makes him all the more hotter.
And yet, I find his resolve admirable. The energy most people spend trying to find "the one", Gunn spent cultivating a social circle suitable for his comfort. He stuck to his own idea of what it means to be a social creature, and over time, it rewarded him extremely well.
January 2009 marked 10 years since I took myself off the market. At the time, I said I was "taking a break" from dating. A decade later, I can count the few dates and hookups I've had since on one hand. OK, maybe one hand and a few fingers.
But I'm not Tim Gunn. Although I think he's quite the introvert, Gunn doesn't seem to have a misanthropic bone in his body. Me? I'm made of all sorts of misanthropy.
But I look at Gunn and think, "If someone as magnetic as him can keep to himself, the world isn't missing anything if I don't put my sorry ass out there." Oh, I've been told that I should have someone in my life, and Kramer has gone so far as to call my solitude "a waste of good Taurus."
Three years of therapy scratched at the surface of my motivations for not dating, and it would be too tedious of a read to detail it here. The summary is simple -- I wasn't raised with very convincing models of how relationships work. I look at how my family interacts with their various spouses and partners, and I question where's the payoff.
Before 1999, I came close to understanding the allure of relationships, and I would think, "Hey, this is nice." A warm body, nice attention. But after some time and distance, I would think, "Huh. I kind of lost my sense of awareness there. Probably shouldn't let that happen again."
In other words, I have much lesser excuse for not dating than Tim Gunn. Tim doesn't like dealing with a broken heart. I just don't like dealing with people.
And yet, I find his example inspiring. He's a nice catch that can't be gotten. I make no claims of what kind of catch I am, but I know I'm not a good salesman for my own bona fides. Whatever the case, Tim Gunn has fashioned himself a life suitable for him which works well.
I don't see much wrong with my life either. I've got a job that doesn't make me dread life. I've got interests that keep me engaged. I have a small social circle that doesn't crimp on my sense of solitude. Would that improve with the addition of that "someone else"? I guess. But the incentive to find out just doesn't compel me to do so.
